Marriage
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something
is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely
equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge.
-- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
--Benjamin Frankin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands,
and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two
girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In
fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million
dollars and beat me half to death."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
